Friendship

Have you ever wondered about your definition of friendship? For me, friendship means (or ment until now) that you're there for your friends when they need you. That you're available for them when something important in their life happens. That you share the good and the bad moments in life.

I don't have much "friends". Even though I have ~80 people on my ICQ list, I can count the number of people who I consider friends on my two hands: 8. I've been working with all of them at one moment or another in my life. With some of them I've been through knee deep shit (i.e. when the company we worked for went down the drains, or when we had to work for several month non stop 20h/24h to finish a product), with some of them I felt a strong common interest, I know some of them since at least 8/9/10 years and one of them is my friend since ~21 years.

At some point my oldest friend helped me when I struggled in my life. And so did I when other were in need: I pulled them into the companies I worked for, got them contracts, talked to my contacts to help my friends find work, kept them with me working even when my contractor asked me to drop them. I listened when they had trouble with their girlfriend, instantly jumped into the car when they asked my help for one of their projects, invited them for BBQs and dinners at my home, made hilarious plans for own projects with them...

That's what's friendship is all about for me...

As those who read my blog might know, I'll marry the wife of my life next saturday. That's a really special moment for me and therefor I invited my 8 friends to share that moment with me. In first time, everyone told me, they're happy to come to my wedding... and now, not even a week before my wedding, I know that at most three of them might come... and I'm not even sure about them. I haven't had contact with one of them since almost two weeks and the other two might not come if they learn that another one just had told me yesterday evening that he will not come. While one of them has to work that week-end outside of Europe, others suddenly confused dates and are on holidays, some didn't find a way to travel (the 40km) to my wedding or prefer going to their girlfriends home instead of making her come to my wedding (since they're invited, too) or that they prefer not to come since their wife can't be present...

While I can understand some reasoning, I'm totally and absolutely down. I haven't slept this night because I was thinking about what is currently happening to me. I was thinking about my definition of friendship. And I was trying to find occasions where my "friends" actually tried or wanted to be with me. It was this moment which scared me: I suddenly realized that my friends never invite me to their birthdays, they don't invite me when they have a BBQ, they don't invite me when they have a cinema evening, they don't ask me if I want to join them when they play games in the evening... I admit that I would have to drive ~100km (~62 miles) to get there but I don't consider this as a problem. I jump into the car when they ask me to help them...

And this is where I begin to struggle on my definition of friendship. Is this only a one-way drive? Have I done something that pissed off my friends? Or don't they want to be with me because I have a family, wife and kids?

And all of a sudden, a question rised from deep within of me: Do I have friends?

And I couldn't find the answer....